goatgodschild | Week 4, Entry 2

I miss him so much. So much that it hurts. Every day it's a fight to keep from reaching out to him, begging him to be even in contact again. All I want is to prove I am changed, I am better, that I won't hurt anyone, ever.

21 days, that's got to count for something.

Now it's 3 again, but I am sure I can make it into more. When I work though the Octagon Society papers, maybe I'll be better for it. I just want him to be my friend again. I don't want to do anything that oversteps boundaries, I know you can't make it happen. I want him to be happy, and for him to think of me, in that happiness, as a friend.

The pendulum keeps giving inconsistent answers.

If he was just...someone I sort of knew, or an RP friend, or someone who I had been on the rocks with for a while...but he isn't. He's my best friend in the whole wide world, and I don't know what to do about how much I hurt him. I wish I was able to help him and his partner. But the more he thinks I am a danger to his partner, the more he'll stay away. There's no convincing him, not for a long time yet, that I would never hurt his partner, that I am sorry for what I did, that I care for them both.

I hate myself for hurting them. Even though I hurt, too, I am the one who made everything bad. I broke the friendship I valued most.