goatgodschild | Week 2, Entry 4

Today I am shorting out really bad. At the shelter, I couldn’t wholly tell the difference between humans and cats – some were smaller, but it was a bit of a tossup.

I thought I was doing well for the past few days, but I guess this is a backslide? I don’t know, but I hope it gets better soon.

Then again, maybe it’s external factors as well. There’s been heavy constant winds since Friday afternoon, and while I was at the shelter I started having cramps. My head keeps feeling like there’s a migraine starting – light hurts, and there’s this steady, pulsating pain behind my eyes and along my forehead like a shovel hit me in the face.

It’s not the worst birthday I’ll have ever had, but it’s not set to be a good one. Yes, it’s my own fault, I know that much. I’m just hoping that my headache clears up enough for me to work by tomorrow, and for me to go to my first tau chi and kung fu classes.

(later)

Class has been delayed. I am writing this in print instead of cursive because writing in cursive makes me dizzy and my head hurt worse. Light and sound do not hurt so bad after my shower, but it’s still not great. Trying to accept that you can’t force a response or result is hard enough to do when it’s schoolwork or emotions. In some ways, it’s worse when it’s your own body.

I can relax myself as best I can, and find what I can do to manage the pain. I was a little annoyed with my neighbor’s dog because I could feel its yaps rippling across my body, but it went quiet not long after. A lot of me feels bad, and how much of that is my emotional body and how much of it is physical, I do not know.

I don’t know how much of what is going on in my head is legitimate or just another case of my brain hating me. I don’t know how much of my remaking myself – dealing with how I have hurt people and changing it – will incidentally It seems to be a bit of both? I’m angry at what I did, and I want to be better, but let’s be honest, if my brain has an opening to hurt me, it’ll try.