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Week 3, Entry 6
Jun. 10th, 2022 08:44 pmToday, I have gotten new shoes. The shoes fit well and are beautiful. I am happy about having shoes that feel made for me, in contrast to "these fit relatively well, I guess".
I shorted out yesterday pretty bad at the other shoe store we went to. I tried to see the salesman right, but he kept upselling and insisting that we were going to need to buy more and more things, to fix problems that didn't yet exist, or that might possibly exist and I wasn't aware of it. At the same time, they had uncomfortable chairs, a bright, unsettling room, and a gigantic screen facing me blasting ACTUAL SATISFIED CUSTOMERS at me. The whole thing was just skin-crawling, feeling manipulated at every breath, and I didn't want to try any more of these shoes that hurt me.
Today, Mom took me to a different shoe store, because they specialize in Birkenstocks, and I didn't short out at all. The place was all natural light, with no big screens and a mild cowboy theme. The woman who helped me was much nicer, and didn't try to upsell me at all, she just measured my feet and showed me what I would fit. Given that I ended up paying $417.00 for two pairs of shoes, I suppose she didn't have to upsell anything.
I did end up shorting out at work, because Diane had to throw out most of the work I've been doing for the past few weeks, throwing all that incoming SFF I organized to the curb. It was also hot and there were flies all over. I guessed that they thought I smelled like garbage and feces, because that is how I feel. On top of that, I was getting conflicting directions and Diane kept vanishing. I tried not to short out, I tried to calm down. By the time the bus came, I was able to see people right again.
I have been feeling angry for the last two days. Well, either angry or like crying. Or sleeping. Some extreme emotion, probably loss or self-hatred, but I'm not sure how to show it in the right way, or deal with it. It's clearly a bad and dangerous emotion that's lapping at me, but what to do about it, I do not know. I'm trying to translate to myself what this feeling is, but it's very confusing.
I shorted out yesterday pretty bad at the other shoe store we went to. I tried to see the salesman right, but he kept upselling and insisting that we were going to need to buy more and more things, to fix problems that didn't yet exist, or that might possibly exist and I wasn't aware of it. At the same time, they had uncomfortable chairs, a bright, unsettling room, and a gigantic screen facing me blasting ACTUAL SATISFIED CUSTOMERS at me. The whole thing was just skin-crawling, feeling manipulated at every breath, and I didn't want to try any more of these shoes that hurt me.
Today, Mom took me to a different shoe store, because they specialize in Birkenstocks, and I didn't short out at all. The place was all natural light, with no big screens and a mild cowboy theme. The woman who helped me was much nicer, and didn't try to upsell me at all, she just measured my feet and showed me what I would fit. Given that I ended up paying $417.00 for two pairs of shoes, I suppose she didn't have to upsell anything.
I did end up shorting out at work, because Diane had to throw out most of the work I've been doing for the past few weeks, throwing all that incoming SFF I organized to the curb. It was also hot and there were flies all over. I guessed that they thought I smelled like garbage and feces, because that is how I feel. On top of that, I was getting conflicting directions and Diane kept vanishing. I tried not to short out, I tried to calm down. By the time the bus came, I was able to see people right again.
I have been feeling angry for the last two days. Well, either angry or like crying. Or sleeping. Some extreme emotion, probably loss or self-hatred, but I'm not sure how to show it in the right way, or deal with it. It's clearly a bad and dangerous emotion that's lapping at me, but what to do about it, I do not know. I'm trying to translate to myself what this feeling is, but it's very confusing.
