goatgodschild | Recent Entries

Richard Chamberlain passed away on Saturday night in Hawaii. He is survived by his husband.

www.msn.com/en-us/entertainment/news/richard-chamberlain-tv-actor-who-starred-in-dr-kildare-dies-at-90/ar-AA1BWxkn

I was inspired by the "Moment of Silence" series done by Ysabetwordsmith ( ysabetwordsmith.dreamwidth.org/ )

ysabetwordsmith.dreamwidth.org/tag/moment+of+silence

My persona for the Galactic Journey, George Pritchard, has a crush on his portrayal of Dr. Kildare, and owns his EP.

(I plan to add more onto this later.)

Burial (several days after discovery of the bodies)
- could not take place in a churchyard
- 12 men, plus Mr. White (the parson)
- 2 biers and 2 large pieces of rough black cloth
- at the crossroads, there was another group of men, waiting with torches
- and a large pit was dug there
- the men entered with their hats on their heads
+ 4 took the 2 bodies and put them on the biers, covered with cloths
+ all were silent during this time
- bodies were cast into the dug pit, covered with stones and earth
- Mr. White spoke after, crowd was silent
- a mist or light hung about for a long time after

The Next Day
- blood that had fallen out of Davis' body onto the lane is now covered with flies
- flies are enormous and motionless
- flies were dispersed by application of hallowed earth
- flies moved in a cloud towards the cottage
+ "Lord of flies, sir"

"[the squire] made up his mind [that] no one was going to live in that cottage again, or yet use any of the things that were in it: so, though it was one of the best in the place, he sent round word to the people that it was to be done away with, and anyone that wished could bring a faggot to the burning of it; and that's what was done. They built a pile of wood in the living-room and loosened the thatch so as the fire could take good hold, and then set it alight; and as there was no brick, only the chimney-stack and the oven, it wasn't long before it was all gone."

(The chimney eventually fell down by itself)

Ghost of Davis and companion seen
- the young man in the woods
- the two of them where the cottage had been, going along the lane
- seen especially during Spring and Autumn

Infestation of black flies on the lane
- not of any specific species
- flies have an extremely toxic bite
- only after 4 generations is the infestation beginning to die out

"'When the sun's gathering his strength, and when he's in the height of it, and when he's beginning to lose his hold, and when he's in his weakness, them that haunts about that lane had best take heed to themselves.'"
- interpreted to mean not to go into the lane when the sun is growing stronger or weaker (Spring and Autumn)

====
Spring: Beltane (May Day) and Ostara (Spring Equinox)

Autumn: Mabon (Fall Equinox) and Halloween

3 Years Later...

September, at dawn in the woods, the young man is found dead:
- hung from the neck from the biggest and eldest oak tree
- wearing a white gown
+ mockery of a church surplice? "Not the same in the fashion of it"
- around his neck is a chain with a metal pendant, wheel-shaped and old-looking
+ a solar cross?
- beside him is a hatchet covered in blood

Horse had to be blindfolded before it would carry the body
- rears and throws body off onto the ground as they approached the cottage
- the body was carried into the living room of the cottage

On the long table in the center of the room lay Mr. Davis
- table is longer than a man
- Mr. Davis is dead
+ eyes covered with cloth
+ arms tied behind back
+ feet bound with another band
+ breast is bare and split through the bone with an axe

In the cupboards of the cottage they found:
- a quantity of herbs
- jars with liquors
+ some of which are "drinks to put a person to sleep"

"And they had little doubt that wicked young man had put some of this into Mr. Davis' drink, and then used him as he did, and, after that, the sense of his sin had come upon him and he had cast himself away."

Papers and writings were found in the drawers and cupboards
- prove them guilty of idolatry "by their own hand"
- fear that there were others
+ calls to repent, lest the same happen
- the writings were burnt

Cottage:
- left side of lane
- now has bushes and rough ground
- now has a broken hedge
- gooseberry bushes
- currant bushes
- on squire's land

Mr. Davis (owner):
- not born in parish
- lived to himself
- rarely went to the pub
- didn't work for any farmer
- had money of his own
- went to town every market day, for his mail
+ brought home a young man

Young man:
- student? worker? (teacher?)
- lived with Davis
- pale and ugly
- didn't have much to say for himself

Together, they:
- always go out walking
+ late evening and early morning (tween times?)
+ in the downland and woods
- once a month, they went to the Green Man figure carved on the hill
+ in summer, they camped there overnight
+ it was believed that meetings went on at night, on that hill, "and that those who went were up to no good"

- "We don't want for company at such times"
- The graves and bodies in the barrows "look to me to be older-like than the ancient Romans, and dressed different"
- The heathens and their sacrifices

I got my transcript evaluation back -- it looks like I'm good to graduate in the Spring, but I'm going to need to get a counselor to sign off on it.

I tried going to work, but I decided to come home. There was a rubbing with my padding that I did not like or want, and while it was functional at first, I had my doubts it could last long. My supervisor and floor coordinator were both on their lunch breaks, so I went to the next person up to talk about what is going on with me, and what the future will be. She was very helpful, especially since she had to take medical leave recently due to a broken toe.

On my way back home, I bought sandwiches for my dad, because he's been wanting to try the sandwich shop I've visited a few times. They were pastrami -- one al jus, one regular. I was going to take the bus home, but my dad picked me up instead. The sandwiches were very good, although my mom's stomach hurt after just a few bites.

Since then, I've just settled myself onto the wipeable couch with my laptop. It wasn't like I was hungry, but I also can't bring myself to move much, or take initiative of my own. So far, I've gotten through 3 movies, and was starting on a fourth when I realized I had gone in the following order:
Wide release blockbuster --> minor restored release --> TV movie
And was now starting on an exploitation cheapie, which was when I realized I needed to pull myself together and finish this post.

I'm not sure how long this all is going to take. My OB-GYN is willing to write me a letter to cover me until December 11, when I see her again. And my supervisor and floor coordinator are both willing to work with me on this, which I'm really grateful for.
CW: MEDICAL, EXPLICIT
( Read more... )

Today was good, I think. I took the day off, for two reasons:

1) I didn't know how the checkup on my cyst removal site was going to go.

2) I wanted to get this ongoing issue with my school transcripts settled.

My school has their online Admissions, Records, and Transcripts office open for around 2 hours per week. It is very frustrating, because it's ALSO during while I am getting ready for work. You cannot make an appointment, and the email only gets a form return.
While I wanted to get information on my transcript -- getting it evaluated, hopefully graduating in Spring -- I have put off communicating with them since this summer, as they sent me a message from a non-reply email saying I LACKED DOCUMENTATION. What documentation that was, they did not bother to state.

There are over 16,000 students at this school. They have absolutely no excuse to be pulling this nonsense, especially with how much they tout their online program. Oh well. I spent over an hour on hold, waiting for a Zoom phone call. I was ready to say and do things that I would very much regret. Turns out that the LACK OF DOCUMENTATION they meant was that they only had one transcript of mine, and they needed both in order to evaluate them. I have now sent them my second transcript, and hopefully this will all get sorted out someday.
And now, onto what you've all been waiting for...the checkup!

- I am taking very good care of the hole.
- There was a blobby growth at the bottom of the hole, which appears to be an ingrown hair independent of the cyst. It is being sent over to the pathologist for analysis.
- I'm going to have to start doing sitz baths again (I had not done them today or yesterday).
- I'm going to have to keep taking those stupid antibiotics 3x/day for the next month.
- It's estimated to be another month until this thing heals.

This entry is going to be extremely medical, related to a non-STI genital infection. I will put most of it under the cut.

( Read more... )

It is all very tiresome. I have a checkup tomorrow, and hopefully I will get a clean bill of health.

Out of the 9 pins I bought for myself, I think I might end up returning some, or gifting them. I had this idea of making them into part of my magical work, but I keep falling into this trap. I will buy jewelry, thinking of using it in magical practice, and then end up setting it aside, and I feel very foolish.

I was worried last night, and I am worrying today, about how I spend money. Generally, I put half of my monthly pay into my savings account, but this month I was not able to do that. And money just seems to slip away from me, whether I intentionally spend it, or say no, I won't spend any more.

I am afraid. I do not want to run out of money, or end up going into debt, or end up frittering away my money on things that are bad, or useless, or wasteful altogether.

I suppose that this speaks to advertising, or the nature of capitalism, or something, but I feel better after I spend money. Not so much in the sense of "retail therapy", at least how it's been described to me. Lots of empty storefronts around here (and it's not set to get any better with this new tax increase the city's pushing for, the second in 5 years), so yeah, here's a 20% tip on a regular order, no matter the size. Here's regular attendance at somewhere I value. In a city with the largest number of nonprofits per capita in the USA, it feels more like I am money away to the community -- closer to how I have read potlaches being described. To knock someone down with generosity.

(backdated to 10/27/2024)

Today was very good, but I feel guilty about it now. Possibly because it is so late, even for me, and I didn't get a shower in...Perhaps I will make more sense of this when I write it out.

This morning, I woke up on time for group, but everyone was busy, so I had a quiet hour or so. I started my laundry, and then I went downstairs and had breakfast. I changed my sheets and folded my clean ones, and sat down to work on my homework. But then I realized I didn't want to sit in front of my computer at the moment, so I went downstairs to work on some copying. I knew I should work on some chores, but I couldn't find any motivation for them. Mom recommended I get out for a few hours, which I was glad for. It can sometimes feel rather trapping, once you are through your weekend routine and are at loose ends.

I decided to go to The Crafter's Library ( www.thecrafterslibrary.com/ ) and to Hook & Press Doughnuts ( www.hookandpressdonuts.com/ ) before that.
At Hook & Press, I had their praline and white chocolate latte, and their pumpkin cheesecake doughnut, and brought them next door to the Crafter's Library. I wanted to work on my:
- embroidery
- illustrating
- copying
- sun cloak design
- Changeling necklace (it needs crimp beads!)

I also wanted to show off the latest project that I made, a cloth container for my obsidian pyramid. There's a felt layer between the inner and outer cloths, so it's a little softer.
As I worked, I got an idea for another project -- wool painting, with the wool pressed onto plywood with beeswax!
They didn't have crimp beads, so I focused on my embroidery, instead (I finished it tonight!). I felt guilty about not doing more, so I bought a bunch of pins. Two were gifts, but only two, out of eleven!

When I got home, there was split-pea soup and cornbread for dinner, which was very wonderful.

My parents would like me to go back to therapy, but I admit that I would rather not.
When it comes to this sort of thing, I would rather move and do something than sit and talk. That is something I like about crafting and occultism and library science, the direct handling of issues.

The other issue is, I generally know the how and why of what I do -- what caused me to do something, and what went wrong. It does not always go the way I mean it to, but I tend to know where I am coming from on one issue or another.

The issue my parents see is that I have all sorts of ideas and plans, but do not necessarily check in with them, and become highly fixated.
I am going to try SMART again, since it looks like there's a group available at a time I am home. My previous group met when I now start work, so it doesn't work out so well.

I'm grinding my teeth a lot lately. I don't have anything to be stressed about, so I don't know why that's happening.

I did not have a good week last week, but so far this one is going okay.
I was upset last night, though, because of an ongoing issue in my town that I don't know how to fix.

There is a lot of dog feces on the public sidewalks around my house and work, which is very irritating, because the city considers it to not be their problem.

We have a lot of dogs in the city, and while they aren't strays, they are not very well trained, especially since their owners bring them everywhere. I was out for dinner last week with my parents, and a customer brought in a big bully dog, who decided he wasn't a fan of one of people his owner was talking to, and started barking and lunging.
And at the Farmer's Market, there are big signs everywhere that say NO DOGS ALLOWED, that the dogs can't come in, else the Farmer's Market will lose its license -- but there's hound after hound, because the owners just don't care.
"What's it matter if we lose the Farmer's Market? Isn't it more important that I get to bring my dog yet another place?"

I don't care if your dog's friendly, that's not my issue when they're snuffling along my table while I'm trying to enjoy my seasonal cheeses!
When they growl and bristle at me, or bark and lunge, and then you tell me that they don't mean it, I'm not sure who to believe. I am becoming increasingly unsettled around dogs, because of all this. I don't know what they're going to do, I just know that the owner will let them do it.

The fact that we can't ask people who claim to have service dog, what service the dog performs, also ends up rewarding the dishonest.

I guess "later" in my last entry meant "six weeks later".

This month has been rather busy, but not in an enjoyable way. I know I said in my last entry, "What does freedom look like for me? What do I really want?", but that was a tom-fool thing to ask. This month, there was no trip -- oh, I didn't write about that.

I have been wanting to go visit my friend in Wales. He's a great guy, and we've talked a bit about things we wanted to do when I visited.
October worked best, because I can't travel during summer, and I don't want to travel during the holidays. I could travel in Spring, but I'm taking 3 classes then. Plus, October is a very magical time. So I got my passport taken care of, and set up to bought tickets.
Well, my mom says, I shouldn't do an international trip that's shorter than two weeks, it should be "worth my while". I'd wanted a 5-7 day trip, but she's the one who's been overseas, not me. So I bought tickets for a 3-week trip, got it all set up.
I was going to lose two weeks worth of pay, but I had saved up a full week of PTO, which I was happy about. I planned on bringing my laptop with me, and keeping up with my homework that way. And I was lucky enough to get inexpensive tickets, so I wouldn't be out too much on that front.

But there were a great deal of unknowns on my part, particularly getting from Heathrow Airport to Cardiff, and how long it would take and what it would cost, and then getting back, besides. I kept having nightmares about it, and finally ended up cancelling my trip entirely. It was wrong of me to put this much on Hap, too -- guests and fish begin to stink after three days! Especially since he was busy, even before I threw all this on him.

I didn't go on a trip, but I did get an infected saddle sore cyst just before I would have left. That has taken up much of my month, treating and managing the dratted thing, although luckily, it seems to be going down.

What does freedom look like for me? What do I really want? I do not know, and I don't like not knowing.
I am communicating what I understand at this time, always the goal of this tag.

My professional contacts are all here in town. I like my coworkers, and my workplace, the location, and what we do there. "Pride in myself and pride in my work." But does that translate to a career there? It's got a high turnover rate, in no small part because it is extremely difficult to afford living here. In most of California, frankly. An acquaintance told me that prices are reasonable in Sonoma, but I don't know if I want to move there.

What happens if my plans fail, and it's just a fact that I will never get a driver's license? I don't WANT that to happen, but that doesn't mean I don't think about it.
If you can't drive, this is a good town to have that problem in. A high population of tourists, the elderly, and elderly tourists all mean a town highly amenable to walking, bus riding, and biking.

More later .

Life is definitely different without a laptop. It keeps me offline to a certain degree, but at the same time, I can't access my medical account or anything for school. I'm supposed to get a new computer from the people downtown in the next week, but school still starts on the 30th.

An image that has been in my mind for the past few weeks, is the Eight of Swords, able to free herself but still feeling bound. She has agency, but does not act on it. That is how I feel right now, but I do not know what direction I should take to free myself.

Due to how SSDI and its insurance coverage works, I am stuck at the $16/hr job I have right now, rather than jumping up to the next level. To make the same amount of money I currently am with the SSDI payments, I would need to make still more money -- around $38/hr.

The next level only makes $25/hr, and if I took that, the payments would stop. In addition to that, I would need to be working 30+ hours a week to qualify for the health insurance at work (right now I am only working 15). SSDI covers my meds, one of which is $1300 a bottle.

I have a solid resume for library work -- nearly eight years of relevant experience, education, and training.
The one thing that holds me up is my leg, because until I can be behind the wheel more than 15 minutes without pain so bad I white out, I can't get a driver's license. And a driver's license is a requirement for that $38/hr job.

At this time, the solution I have is:
1) Get my leg strong enough to drive
2) Get my driver's license
3) Apply for the higher job that requires a driver's license, while continuing to put $1000 per month into savings.

I am having an anxious kind of a night. It feels like there are so many things around me, and in my life there are so many people who, if I have not hurt them, then I haven't done right by them. And I wouldn't be going in circles so bad if I felt more comfortable, but I don't, so I am not.

There is a positively Gothic sense of dread hanging over me at the moment, and where it comes from, exactly, I don't know. I tell myself, what would have been to me in old times, hm? Or if I wasn't so lucky? I say I am having trouble, but am I, really? Typing that out, it all seems a smokescreen from dealing with what are issues in front of me.

I will attempt to summarize the issues at this time. But I'm falling asleep, so I will work on it as need be.

My laptop has died. It is five years old, so it is not too surprising, but I was expecting to get some more time with it. Turns out that when I dropped it on its side mid-breakup in 2021, I didn't just damage the DVD drive, I damaged the motherboard, and the damage is spreading.

The attempt to replace the laptop is still ongoing. I bought a new laptop at Costco that had Windows 11, but it made a horrible pulsing gasping sound whenever a sound file of any kind was played. More than that, the On button is in a different place, and the Windows 11 internal search bar is in the center-right of the screen, when previously it has always been on the left-hand corner, exactly.

This would be less frustrating, or anxiety inducing, if school didn't start in two weeks.

I have not written updates here in a long time. I think it would be best if I wrote here more often, although I am probably going to use it to talk about my work life and such, using this blog to process. There's a lot that I'm thinking about right now.

The Winter King rides in to claim the empty castle.
The shrine-altar was prepared as a a gate to welcome the Winter King and his daughter inside. There were the following items on it:

Right side:
- White pillar
- Key
- Amber incense, in burner
- Bronze candle
- Purple candle
- Penis amulet (hidden)

Center:
- Green candle

Left side:
- Black pillar
- Dolly
- Shell box
- Silver candle
- Pink candle

I knelt on one knee as the Winter King arrived. He said "my daughter" and gestured towards the Changeling, but then she left so that we could do business, man to man.
He was unimpressed that the home/castle had fallen into such disrepair, but understood that we have been leaderless since the funeral of the Sun King. He took up the key, and I swore to him and bowed my head low, and he tapped me on the back of the neck, like the Green Knight did to Gawain.

The Himalayan Kitchen is a taste of home, even if you have never been. The chairs are supportive but not soft, and the decorations on the walls and tables are beautifully colored. It reminds me of how State Street used to be, before ‘08, and if you want SE Asian food that's a bit more hard to come by, this is the place.

I got samosas, chai masala, puri, and chicken coconut curry. Not very adventurous, I suppose, but I wanted to see how they did “staples” after I tried their more Tibetan dhindo platter last time.

The samosas were the best I have ever had anywhere, and came with chutney and a sweet-ish sauce rather like a thick vinaigrette.

This is the second time I have eaten at the Himalayan Kitchen, and the second time my eyes were bigger than my stomach. The fried dough was astoundingly light, but it's definitely more than I thought I would get. That's a problem with ordering sides in this town -- you're liable to get an extra meal to go with it!

The chai, however, was the worst I have ever had anywhere. It was burned, with a waxy layer on the top that wouldn't dissolve, and I think I might have just gotten unsweetened for the first time. If I was waking up at o dark thirty to go to work and I needed something to wake up and put some steel in me, I would probably make this a regular thing, my teeth are still buzzing from it. You could stick a spoon up straight in it, which is not a quality common to USAian chai masala. Have I talked myself into liking it? No. At least I know why someone would get it, though.

The chicken coconut curry is delicious and rather mild (if this is on account of me, or on account of the location, I don't know), and the long-grain rice is rich and good. However, they serve you a LOT, which is why I am taking a break out of my meal to write this, it needs stages.

I wish more people came here, it's pretty dead. Although that might just be because I am here between the lunch and dinner hours, when things are usually dead anyway.

A poem written after I began to interact more in the furry community, and became frustrated with the over-reliance on human mental structures, and the limited situations they could be found in.
-----------

Give me my lovers.

Give me my octopuses, dying hidden and afraid.

Give me squid, dying in the dawn light with fire in their veins, hearts in their throats.

Give me obsessive bowerbirds, genius crows

Birds of paradise dancing their clawed feet to bloody ribbons,

In search of that one perfect dance.

Give me abusive geese, pragmatic horses, falling in love.

Pigs become death, destroyer of worlds.

Frightening stepparent bro elephant seals

Hypochondriac harp seals, always for a cause.

Give me shaking, broken polar bears, so far removed they cannot see or feel or understand

The concept of loving more than your next hungry breath.

Give me troll skuas, fighting with frigatebirds across unconquerable divides.

Give me penguins handing over their jewelry so that their baby gets fed.

Give me horse honor killings

Watched by a cougar thinking of its cubs, its mate

Dead six months in prison, hyenas versus jaguars, and it freaked

Knowing the jaguars were outnumbered, it chose to beg.

Not knowing

Everyone heard.

Everyone.

The last thing it heard was the taunting golf clap of the pigeon guard

With enough jay blood in him to make him mean

Even as the cougar's yellow-speck eyes dimmed and died--

(Their neck snapped casually when they turned to lick their arm,

You couldn't have a better moment)

Give me worried wolf parents dropping their child off at college

"Text us EVERY DAY. Make new friends!"

Give me rabbit serial killers

Shrew and shrike took them down, Dirty Harry-style.

Give me my lovers.

Give me Army lions, home for a few weeks

Fucking hard, fast, passionate.

Give me bored hyena dominatrices.

Sisters, who got into porn for a quick buck

And weren't afraid to swallow the evidence, whatever it was.

Give me who they fought on their way up

A red-tailed hawk, quick and fast and smart

Not smart enough to take the money and run.

They didn't shit enough to bury her.

Give me hard-drinking cannibal detectives, turtles.

Give me a trans whale shark, hell, fluid

"You're a whale or a shark. You can't be both."

Give me a transitioning clown fish

Making their family anew to save it.

Give me anteaters, whispering as they press the pillow over their new child's face

"For heaven's sake, catch me...save me, for I cannot stop myself."

Give me the ball python doctor, the crocodilian responder

Both fighting every day, stereotypes.

Crocodiles weep when they see lives tossed away.

Lives that could be their children, but there are not enough males

Not enough females

Not enough eggs

Not enough children.

Give me the ball python jerking his hemipenis into the bed,

Hissing and puffing at nothing, sound and fury

Thinking of the mongoose down the hall

Give me the mammal-pride mongoose

Who sees the pathetic, unblinking eyes and the hangdog look.

Pulls down fifty grand a year and can't get a date, the coward.

The irony, like him, is no doubt delicious.

Give me my lovers.

Give me my worlds.

Listen all of you, all things, a sacred thing and I making.
I write this in green ink on new paper, and I tell you of this sacred thing.

At this time we know of six gates, and their nature is angular. Like a star, the gates together draw us in their gravity, and so the original conceptualization is that of a six-pointed star, each point forming an angular portal. However, there are obvious issues with this conceptualization, from the symbol's primary use in a religion that is not our own, to the central pentagon not serving our purposes well. We do not stand in the center of the Pillar, if we must stand anywhere, we take our place in the middle of the Solar world.

Thus comes the creation of the Bluny Gate.

It remains six-faced, but this time the points are turned inwards and are alterable. I have worked for several months to find the best way of shaping the Gates, with the knowledge that the nature of Fencraft is to be flexible, more like a "cat's cradle" than the firm bounds of the Elemental Star.

The Gate being focused on at any given time may move to the near position, where the practitioner mat step through when Walking the Gates. I do not think it would be wise to go through more than one Gate at a time, for one's own safety.

The name "Bluny Gate" comes from my misremembering Alan Garner's book Red Shift, in which an ancient stone axe/adze (or "thunderstone") is nicknamed "the Bunty". The six-sided form of the Bluny Gate resembles this, if vaguely, and similarly ties into Red Shift's themes of transformation through time and space.

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Neth Smiley

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Neth Smiley

Recent Entries

We Are the Dead: Richard Chamberlain

Notes from "An Evening's Entertainment" by M.R. James, Part 3

Notes from "An Evening's Entertainment" by M.R. James, Part 2

Notes from "An Evening's Entertainment" by M.R. James, Part 1

Week 131, Entry 3

Week 131, Entry 2

Week 131, Entry 1

Week 127, Entry 1

Week 126, Entry 4

Week 126, Entry 3

Week 126, Entry 2

Week 126, Entry 1

Week 120, Entry 3

Week 120, Entry 2

Week 120, Entry 1

Week 119, Entry 1

Arrival of the Winter King 2024

Himalayan Kitchen SB

"Give Me My Lovers" (aka Furry Concepts Poem) (2017)

Information on the Bluny Gate