Week 4, Entry 7

It's been weird, feeling more normal, or within the boundaries of normal. Less troubling, of course, with far fewer nightmares daytime and night, but it's still new. I feel more and more new, although how much of that is still that new
self-change push, I don't know. It's also helping to write all my feelings out, both here and in Tell The World That We Tried.

I slept most of today so that I would be all nice and together for this evening and tomorrow, because tomorrow is busy. I'll try and write them, too.

Week 5, Entry 1

I'm hoping that I will be able to record more entries this week, as I was busier last week. However, I have some observations for today.

Today, as I woke up, I was in a generally good mood. After all, I was on time, I had slept well, and I was looking forwards to a day at the cat shelter. I wanted to see how far I was from where I was when I was happy, to when I was/am all cold. The further apart they are, the more unpleasant I find the latter, the better I'm going to be, especially at identifying my getting cold.

So, as an experiment, I turned off my empathy, and let the cold come. It was horrifying, to feel that coldness, it wasn't something that felt like part of me at all. Abnormal, disgusting, just...so wrong. I turned my empathy back on immediately.

I finally understand what people have meant when they say that who I am is not only my anger, that I am more than my anger. Because I am. I thought my rage was part of myself to honor, that part of me that was 'perilous'. But what I am is so much more, so much kinder and better. I am more. I can be kind and funny and happy, I can be a valuable person and friend without that unkindness.