Week 19, Entry 4

Well, no wonder I've been grouchy for two days. I woke up sick today -- nose running, no appetite, body tired and weak -- so I slept all day. What little else I did was to drink water, eat (I had 2 meals, neither of which I was especially enthusiastic about), and take 2 showers. I kept the air cleaner running, but it's been at a steady blue (clean air) all day.

I feel despairing, having now been sick twice in a year, and injured besides. There's the trip next month, though, so there's that. Hopefully, I'm going to be well by the time I leave.

Week 19, Entry 5

Earlier today, I went driving. I did fairly decently, but I ended up getting frightened towards the end, because I was lost and was going much too slowly. Eventually, I just parked and let my mother drive us home. On our way home, we stopped at the cat shelter, which was nice, because I got to visit the cats for a few minutes. I hope to start volunteering with them again soon, and they say that they're ready to take me back anytime.

I did something rather idiotic today. I tried to watch a video from a person who I knew has a tendency to make me poxy, but at the same time, I felt I should give it a look anyhow. And, yup, it made me feel poxy. Then I read back through a variety of Internet posts that I knew would make me feel more depressed, but the feeling that I could just bring myself to the edge of falling into complete despair, just let me hurt a little bit...

I'm not completely sure why I am doing this. My best guess at this time is that I'm working at as much self-harm as I can pull off without actually self-destructing this project to the point of a lapse. Sixty days clean, sixty, and something in me is absolutely desperate for a fight to come, for the cold-drake to wash away all the emotions I have except nihlistic rage.