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Marginalia, Entry 6
Oct. 25th, 2022 06:04 pmI wrote this to Mal, a really long time ago. It is still an important part of my own history, and I think it is a decent piece of my own writing.
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My parents go to bed really early. Like, 8:30-9pm. When was little, my parents turned the lights out and went to bed and everyone else was asleep but me. I wasn't allowed to get up except for the bathroom and wasn't allowed to read and I was just supposed to wait and try to sleep and this went from when I was 2.5-3 till I was 11 or so.
There were glowing stars on the ceiling and I realized, God is insane.
This is just my mind, he's got every mind, all the time, he's up in space just floating in the dark with nobody to talk to
He must have gone stark staring mad centuries ago.
That's why I got into religion and folklore -- I hung a crucifix over my bed from when I was 6 to when I was...13?
I would usually pass out around 2am, and then the nightmares would start in. Still do.
I used to throw tantrums like you've never seen around going to bed.
Loneliness is a trigger for me. The idea of it. The existence of it. Hate it. Hate it.
lonely/lonesome/loneliness means stuck in my room can't move can't talk can't read can't do anything just waiting waiting waiting because nobody understands i am alone everyone else is normal and asleep and i am alone and must arm myself because there are monsters that know i am alone and nobody will miss me.
lonely/lonesome/loneliness means can't say the things i'm supposed to can't understand cues and i understand i miss them just as they miss mine and i hate them for it because they watch me alone and know what they have sentenced me to, exile, with only my mind for company again
-----------------
My parents go to bed really early. Like, 8:30-9pm. When was little, my parents turned the lights out and went to bed and everyone else was asleep but me. I wasn't allowed to get up except for the bathroom and wasn't allowed to read and I was just supposed to wait and try to sleep and this went from when I was 2.5-3 till I was 11 or so.
There were glowing stars on the ceiling and I realized, God is insane.
This is just my mind, he's got every mind, all the time, he's up in space just floating in the dark with nobody to talk to
He must have gone stark staring mad centuries ago.
That's why I got into religion and folklore -- I hung a crucifix over my bed from when I was 6 to when I was...13?
I would usually pass out around 2am, and then the nightmares would start in. Still do.
I used to throw tantrums like you've never seen around going to bed.
Loneliness is a trigger for me. The idea of it. The existence of it. Hate it. Hate it.
lonely/lonesome/loneliness means stuck in my room can't move can't talk can't read can't do anything just waiting waiting waiting because nobody understands i am alone everyone else is normal and asleep and i am alone and must arm myself because there are monsters that know i am alone and nobody will miss me.
lonely/lonesome/loneliness means can't say the things i'm supposed to can't understand cues and i understand i miss them just as they miss mine and i hate them for it because they watch me alone and know what they have sentenced me to, exile, with only my mind for company again
