Week 31, Entry 1

Last night I drew cards for my housing future, and... well, it just says the truth. I'm not getting better, and I'm not set to move out for a long time. I had dreams of being passed by, of having completely given up. I feel absolutely miserable. My legs hurt, and I don't think that they're going to be solved. It's not just my feet or my calves now, it's up to my hip joints.  And yet I don't feel like I would be, or should be, accepted by the larger community. I don't want to defy anything or anyone, not like that.

Week 31, Entry 2

My legs hurt very much, particularly at the hip joints (where the femur meets the socket). I broke down sobbing in my annual review with my case manager, because it all seems so hopeless. I can hardly move, so how am I supposed to get a job? If I can't get a job, how am I supposed to support myself? And if I don't start supporting myself, then how am I supposed to be able to move out? To have even a shred of the life that I want for myself?

I can only walk in small steps across the floor. When I use my cane, my hands and wrists hurt much more. My body is extremely tense and stiff, to the point that I think I am going to have to take more medication soon.

No word back from Physical Therapy yet.

Week 31, Entry 3

I can hardly walk, at this point. I can move about 10 feet at a time, but I can't raise my feet very well. The cane helps. I could hardly breathe through my nose, I was panting in pain all afternoon and evening. I took two Advil (on top of the Aleve I took back around 10am), and I can breathe through my nose now. My jaw is still painfully locked, though.

I need to fill up my water, brush my teeth, get some Tums in me, and head to bed. Settle in with a book, I guess?