Week 6, Entry 1
Jun. 27th, 2022 12:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
goatgodschildI can barely get down the hallway now. Getting across the bedroom floor is hard enough, and getting to the bathroom needs an awkward little charge accompanied by much hissing through my teeth. Basically, I have the walking capabilities of a man four times my age, and I hate it. Mom's helped a lot, she knows about all sorts of things when it comes to chronic pain. And I'm seeing a doctor tomorrow. But that doesn't mean I don't feel frustrated and miserable about all this. I couldn't go to fencing, I couldn't volunteer at the cat shelter, I can't go to kung fu.
I want to be stronger than my pain, but that's kind of the crux, isn't it? Do you let your strength define you, or how you dealt with pain? I hadn't cried before, over the course of this, but I did cry today. It didn't last too long, but it was still there.
Someone I follow online said that he doesn't have hope for the midterm/longterm future, and is baffled by the people who do. Today, he posted that "Life is incomprehensible. Death is terrifying." Stuck in bed, unable to even fold my legs, I want(ed) to agree with him. I want(ed) to agree with him, with Rust, and let the cold-drake come.
No.
That is the easy thing to do. The harder thing is to keep going.
I want to be stronger than my pain, but that's kind of the crux, isn't it? Do you let your strength define you, or how you dealt with pain? I hadn't cried before, over the course of this, but I did cry today. It didn't last too long, but it was still there.
Someone I follow online said that he doesn't have hope for the midterm/longterm future, and is baffled by the people who do. Today, he posted that "Life is incomprehensible. Death is terrifying." Stuck in bed, unable to even fold my legs, I want(ed) to agree with him. I want(ed) to agree with him, with Rust, and let the cold-drake come.
No.
That is the easy thing to do. The harder thing is to keep going.
