Week 4, Entry 1

The lack of updates is partly because I don't know what to say.

There's only one project that's really working out well, which is Tell The World That We Tried on AO3. I've got other things I should do, that I want to do, but I just can't seem to bring myself to care.

I don't know what it means that I relapsed on Sunday, even the once. Does it mean that I'm starting back from square one? Does it matter that I'm shorting out less, and that my empathy levels have begun to regularly steady? I hope it matters, and that I am not going to have to start all over.

The more I think about it objectively, the more I find myself thinking that I'm leaning into hopelessness because it's easier than staying on my training and focus. It's a process, isn't it? If a learning process has no points of difficulty, then it's not really doing anything.

Week 4, Entry 2

I miss him so much. So much that it hurts. Every day it's a fight to keep from reaching out to him, begging him to be even in contact again. All I want is to prove I am changed, I am better, that I won't hurt anyone, ever.

21 days, that's got to count for something.

Now it's 3 again, but I am sure I can make it into more. When I work though the Octagon Society papers, maybe I'll be better for it. I just want him to be my friend again. I don't want to do anything that oversteps boundaries, I know you can't make it happen. I want him to be happy, and for him to think of me, in that happiness, as a friend.

The pendulum keeps giving inconsistent answers.

If he was just...someone I sort of knew, or an RP friend, or someone who I had been on the rocks with for a while...but he isn't. He's my best friend in the whole wide world, and I don't know what to do about how much I hurt him. I wish I was able to help him and his partner. But the more he thinks I am a danger to his partner, the more he'll stay away. There's no convincing him, not for a long time yet, that I would never hurt his partner, that I am sorry for what I did, that I care for them both.

I hate myself for hurting them. Even though I hurt, too, I am the one who made everything bad. I broke the friendship I valued most.

Week 4, Entry 3

"'You haven't seen him work with a knife,' Jaks said. 'He only knows one way to handle the traditional Thebin blade; I suspect he was lethal even at seven. And I'm not sure he hasn't killed before, though he certainly hasn't since he came to Pearl Island.'
[...]
[Jaks] clenched the fingers of his left hand over the wound in his right arm. 'Den's been working with him,' he said, 'But he came to us with that and other equally deadly moves for close work in his bag of tricks. As far as I can tell, with a knife he knows only how to kill'"
-- The Prince of Shadow by Curt Benjamin

We did paired drills for the first time in class today. I was very worried about it, because I know I'm jumpy, I know I have trouble identifying legitimate threats. It was difficult to relax, and I know I was shaking like a leaf the entire time. Even more, it was hard to unclench my hands from fists, or keeping to the simple exercises we were given. Luckily, I was paired with a very good partner, who was able to be patient and careful with me. He seemed to be having a good time, and I hope he did.

I do not like these responses I have. I am looking forwards to them being trained out of me.