Week 9, Entry 6

Written last night:
Papa is having a bad time with his stomach again. I took him a book to read, since he is stuck downstairs and can hardly lay down.
I feel more comfortable when I get to be a hero, even in a little way.

I think that's one of my biggest problems. Not the only one, of course, not by a long shot, but a considerable one. I want to be a hero, but I feel uncomfortable and threatened when I can't be. If I'm not a hero, then I'm a failure, because I tried to save people, or at least help them, and couldn't. If I can't put it in order, then what's going to happen? I feel like I have to show my work in order to show I'm deserving of love.

The cold-drake says that if only I could hurt the right people, then things would be better. That secretly, the people I love want me to hurt those who hurt them, they just have to keep it quiet because otherwise they'd get in trouble.

I say I don't need people, but if I'm not around people for a while, I forget how people work. Even if I only have my computer available, I start getting paranoid and confused by the existence of other people, they seem like these frightening voids. I think it's because I grew up homeschooled, I got used to being largely alone with my own mind and seeing other people as either hostile or forces to be useful to.

Now I'm stuck with it again, what with my feet keeping me inside.

I've got to focus, remember how far I've already come, and not slip back into bad old habits.

Week 9, Entry 7

Well, that was immediate. I decided to do some situps, seeing as I won't be on my feet for them. I got through a decent enough set, but then I took a close look at my feet afterwards. Turns out that the webbing of my fifth toe (on both feet) is either over-rubbed or infected. It's probably due to how much I have been wearing socks and shoes.

Now they've been properly scrubbed and lotioned, but even spreading them slightly is painful. They just feel raw, really.

I had some thoughts about the idea of being cared for without needing to "earn it"... but that was before I got a look at my feet, so I'm going to write about that tomorrow.