Week 14, Entry 3 (from 7/24/22)
Aug. 26th, 2022 10:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
goatgodschildI wrote this longhand on 7/24/22. I was going to edit it further, but then it got lost under a pile of papers, and I found it tonight, so I'm going to type it out here and deal with it later.
I fear telling this, but if I do not weave it out of myself, it shall twist and fester further. Sitting here, I write these lines, and completely understand.
The cold-drake has got me, sort of circling, and it wants me to freeze all the way. I don't feel physically cold, but mentally. Psychically, if you will.
I want to warm up, but there's just so much to do. There's no point in crying, of course, it's just...do I need to? My life has been good, really good, but it still feels like there's something wrong. I
I'm padding, and I know I'm padding, but I don't know what to say, because I'm afraid to even write it down. Maybe I could whisper it into a hole.
(Later--)
I managed to tell Devon:
I feel this weird thing more and more often. I watch these videos of bats being rescued, and I want that for myself. Like, I want to be held and covered in blankets, kept warm and told it's okay -- rescued somehow. To change how I felt when I was a child with insomnia and was alone in the dark. And then it's like I feel cold inside. I can't tell if it's physical or mental, because I'm warm to the touch, and it's way down in my core. I'm not shivering or anything, just like there's a frozen patch inside of me that'll spread if I'm not careful.
Being stuck at home is messing with me, I know that much. I am having trouble recognizing people as "safe" or "human" again, they're just there. The cold-drake keeps coming in, and I know that's just because I haven't gotten out to see people more regularly. I've just been stuck in my own head and with my computer, and while computer friends are good, it's just not faces.
Devon says I can, and should, do these things to rescue myself.
I fear telling this, but if I do not weave it out of myself, it shall twist and fester further. Sitting here, I write these lines, and completely understand.
The cold-drake has got me, sort of circling, and it wants me to freeze all the way. I don't feel physically cold, but mentally. Psychically, if you will.
I want to warm up, but there's just so much to do. There's no point in crying, of course, it's just...do I need to? My life has been good, really good, but it still feels like there's something wrong. I
I'm padding, and I know I'm padding, but I don't know what to say, because I'm afraid to even write it down. Maybe I could whisper it into a hole.
(Later--)
I managed to tell Devon:
I feel this weird thing more and more often. I watch these videos of bats being rescued, and I want that for myself. Like, I want to be held and covered in blankets, kept warm and told it's okay -- rescued somehow. To change how I felt when I was a child with insomnia and was alone in the dark. And then it's like I feel cold inside. I can't tell if it's physical or mental, because I'm warm to the touch, and it's way down in my core. I'm not shivering or anything, just like there's a frozen patch inside of me that'll spread if I'm not careful.
Being stuck at home is messing with me, I know that much. I am having trouble recognizing people as "safe" or "human" again, they're just there. The cold-drake keeps coming in, and I know that's just because I haven't gotten out to see people more regularly. I've just been stuck in my own head and with my computer, and while computer friends are good, it's just not faces.
Devon says I can, and should, do these things to rescue myself.
