Week 2, Entry 8
Jun. 3rd, 2022 05:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
goatgodschildMy legal name and gender change went through today. I told my parents and one of my trans friends.
I would like to tell the first trans man I ever met, but I hurt him very badly, and it would be wrong to reach out so early.
I wish I hadn't hurt so many people. I don't want to hurt people anymore, it's not right to them. And other people are nice, they don't need to be hurt or scared for no reason. People don't want to fuck with me, people aren't looking for a soft place. People just want to live their lives.
I think that maybe stories where everybody's trying to fuck over everyone else, and somebody goes out of their way to state that "that's how things really are" is -- it's sort of like a hidden-world fantasy for regular people. Like, you can imagine how secretly people are all trying to hurt everyone around you, but then you go back to your real life. Same as when you imagine that the man ahead of you on the bus is actually a wizard who runs all the hedge magic in the area, but you go about your life afterwards because you can always recognize that he's truly just a Rhianna fan.
Being your own translator is hard. You have to intake, translate, report back, and the whole time it's even worse because you know other people do this automatically.
Then again, this is adulthood, isn't it? Managing yourself without requiring other people to help you.
People aren't able to save you because they have their own lives to live, no matter how much they care for you.
I would like to tell the first trans man I ever met, but I hurt him very badly, and it would be wrong to reach out so early.
I wish I hadn't hurt so many people. I don't want to hurt people anymore, it's not right to them. And other people are nice, they don't need to be hurt or scared for no reason. People don't want to fuck with me, people aren't looking for a soft place. People just want to live their lives.
I think that maybe stories where everybody's trying to fuck over everyone else, and somebody goes out of their way to state that "that's how things really are" is -- it's sort of like a hidden-world fantasy for regular people. Like, you can imagine how secretly people are all trying to hurt everyone around you, but then you go back to your real life. Same as when you imagine that the man ahead of you on the bus is actually a wizard who runs all the hedge magic in the area, but you go about your life afterwards because you can always recognize that he's truly just a Rhianna fan.
Being your own translator is hard. You have to intake, translate, report back, and the whole time it's even worse because you know other people do this automatically.
Then again, this is adulthood, isn't it? Managing yourself without requiring other people to help you.
People aren't able to save you because they have their own lives to live, no matter how much they care for you.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-04 03:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-06-05 01:13 pm (UTC)