Week 3, Entry 5

[goatgodschild]

“Sometimes I think that truth is a place. In my mind, it is like a city: there can be a hundred roads, a thousand paths, that will all take you, eventually, to the same place. It does not matter where you come from. If you walk toward the truth, you will reach it, whatever path you take.” Calum MacInnes looked down at me and said nothing. Then, "The truth is a cave in the black mountains. There is one way there, and one only, and that way is treacherous and hard, and if you choose the wrong path you will die alone, on the mountainside.”
"The Truth Is A Cave In The Black Mountains" by Neil Gaiman

I had one of my terrors Tuesday night. I don't know what caused it, although I had a more familiar blast of anger the next morning. It took a while to relax myself, but it felt good to get over it without attacking anybody. In the book I just read,  Storm Warning, there's a character beat that if you do not master your anger, it will turn inward and incinerate yourself.

At SMART, we talked about living life on life's terms, and becoming less angry in our responses. The world doesn't want us to make us indulge in our addictive behavior, it doesn't have a mindset to force you to do something. We've got to deal with what's in front of us, and how you'd think we'd figure this out earlier. We also talked about analyzing selfishness through self-hatred, and I thought about that as it related to my issues with empathy.  By writing and reading how other people feel, you can lose selfishness and open compassion to other people -- slowly observing how you started, and how you can change. Slowly, I am building up my ainsel [own self] again, analyzing the causes of my thoughts and behaviors and undoing them, or adding in proper supports.

You're doing the right thing, keep going.

Seeing other people as inhuman monsters feels safe. But it's not sustainable. You can't sort people into "good ones" and "inhuman monsters" and have either group be okay with that labeling.

For a long time, I have believed that Calum MacInnes was correct in his estimation, that the truth is a cave in the Black Mountains. That whatever hurts most must be true, either directed at you or coming to you. In fact, in many ways I hoped this was so, for it supported my own worldview. But the wee man was correct, not Calum MacInnes, and now I have to make my way forwards without awaited-for cruelty and pain.

You're doing the right thing, keep going.